DELIGHTFUL DAYS IN HELL MOUTH

I was recently faced with the unfortunate intern task of going to apply for a couple of Visas for my Boss's business associates who were to travel to Nigeria. I remember telling my mother about my little task the night before and her reaction 'Wow that's your entire day gone', CLASSIC. I laughed off her concern but was full unaware of what awaited me at the Embassy (or Hell's Mouth as I like to call it).

Eventually the next day I made sure I was queued up at 7.30 AM in the morning infront of the Embassy and was rather surprised that a lot of people were there (from different parts of the country may I add). As soon as the doors flung open at 9.00AM, and the 'Men in Suits@ had taken their places, operation get rude to every single customer because I wear a suit begun. When my turn came to be seen, I presented the man with the documents that I had been given (whilst wondering why an embassy which has existed for over 30 years doesn't have a reception and why we were made to stand under scaffolding). The man looked at me as If I had committed the worst crime in the world and said in the worst tone ever 'Where is your Payment Acknowledgement slip?'. I admit I did not have the slip but that was simply because I had been sent there on duty and did not know the procedure. Whilst explaining this to him (PS the Business Associates were to travel in 2 days) and querying him on what to do, I was surprised to find out that the arrogant worker had started speaking to someone else and wasn't budged a bit. Luckily a young man (who was Greek) had been to the embassy and was very used to their rudeness simply called me to the side and explained the entire process (I was to log on to the Nigerian Immigration Service Website and apply through a company called SWC Global with a payment of $144. Then I was to print out 2 slips and purchase a £70 Postal Order for 'processing the visa'. I still wonder what the $144.00 is for then?!)

Any hoo I made my way to Charing Cross station and found an Internet Cafe. I must say whoever owns that cafe must love the Embasssy as one of its workers explained to me that they attended to over 100 Nigerians a day who were always needing to print one thing or the other to satisfy the Visa requirements. I made the application and took everything back to Embassy, got my Visa Ticket number and was called to COUNTER 3! The Man behind the counter(who till this moment remains my WORST ENEMY) initially came across as nice until he saw the passports. He then paused and said 'I will grant Mr Nzere's Visa but you need to bring supporting documents for Mr Patel'. I was surprised. Both were British Nationals and I had equal amounts of supporting documents for them, what was this fool up to. I questioned him on why and his response remains one of the most ignorant ill educated responses I have ever heard. "You see, Mr Nzere has a Nigerian surname so I know he has family there but Mr Patel obviously doesn't have roots there so he may decide to abscund. I need prove that he is going there for business purposes". Whilst I am the most Patriotic Nigerian you would ever meet I remember thinking 'WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL ABSCUND TO ABIA STATE?!!!!"

In order to avoid arguments I went away to bring supporting documents. I brought back the next morning Mr Patel's Birth Certificate, a Letter from the company he was going to visit in Nigeria, a scanned photocopy of the Passport of the CEO of the Nigerian based company, 4 Utility Bills belonging to Mr Patel (now in my standards, THAT'S A LOT). When called again to counter 3, the Man requested to see Mr Patel's Flight ticket in order for him to grant the Visa for the same time as Mr Nzere. I questioned him on why he needed to see the Flight ticket and he simply responded that for all he knew I could have been lying about the urgency of the Visas. I WAS RAGING!!!!!!!

Somehow, some way I was able to get my Boss to fax me the ticket to show to this pompous waste of human life before the fool decided to grant the visa (possibly urged by my telling him that he was very incompetent.

Unfortunately, the next week I was sent again to process another Visa and once again was sent to this fool. Whilst I had fully prepared myself with a folder of documents as back up, the man decided that I must provide a personal letter of invitation from Nigeria!! I queried him (rather nicely) that he had never asked for such when I had processed the previous visas and why it was different this time (keeping in mind the man involved had to travel to join his colleagues the next day via a night flight) he simply said to me that If I did not provide it he would not grant the visa. Somehow I maintained my calm and went back to the office to get the letter in order to return the next day, pay an express fee and have the visa granted that day.

I finally arrived on D day fully equipped. I approached counter 3 with everything the man smiled and was about to clip on a number to the passport then he looked at me and said 'I WANT A PASSPORT PHOTOGRAPH". I was prepared to kill this man! I asked him why he needed one (KEEPING IN MIND THE VISA OFFICE HAD 5 MINUTES TO CLOSE) reminding him our client was to travel that night. He simply responded it was for recognition purposes. I stated to him that I worked 2 hours by public transport away from the Embassy and that It wasn't practical that I would provide the passport and pleaded if I could have it faxed. He simply refused. I then asked to see his manager and he proceeded to writing a number on a sheet of paper (not knowing that I had somehow crammed the Nigerian Embassy number in my head and knew about its stupid automated service that gets you nowhere). I still took the paper and made sure I asked every staff member for the head or manager they all were rather reluctant to attend to me. Eventually I met a Hausa man with a ginger beard (yup it still makes me laugh) who saw how frustrated I was and promised that If i got the photo's he would personally handle the application but nah I wasn't satisfied. Luckily for me, my Father happens to know the defence advisor so I gave him a ring and he asked me to come directly to his office.

When I proceeded to asking the lousy men at the door how to get to the defence advisor's office, they gave me a look of 'Abeg ho dis babe tink she be?' and had the cheek to lie to me that he wasn't in. I gave him a call again and once he picked handed the phone over to the lousy man. As soon as the man got off the phone he transformed into Prince Charming and offered to walk me to the office himself (TALK ABOUT LIP SERVICE!!). Speaking to the advisor I made sure I aired my views to him on how badly the place sucked (whilst my mind pondered on why the entrance to the area for 'BIG BOYS' in the embassy was rather posh with cushions and an air conditioner but that na Naija na, levels innit lol). His response shocked me, according to him, the embassy has run 2 Orientation excercises for its staff members and apparently they were rude because sometimes 'Nigerians are rude'. I'm sorry but that's a HORRIBLE EXCUSE! I work in customer services and deal with both polite and rude customers every day(I'm Nigerian and we get a lot of Nigerian customers) but that does not permit me to be rude because these people pay for the services my company provides. Any way I made sure that he understood that it was a lame excuse and he decided to accompany me to monitor services there for the rest of the day.

The transformation was magical. Apparently, word had gotten round that I knew the defence advisors and the staff became unncesessarily nice to me when I came back. I just laughed and thought these people were truly insane. All in all i got an apology from the head of the visa service but learned somthing from my experience

For too long, Nigerians have allowed themselves to accept bull off any fellow Nigerian who they feel is in a position of advantage in a suit. The Embassy is there to serve its citizens not to bully them. On each of the 5 days I was there, someone either cried or knelt to beg for a favour from THEIR OWN EMBASSY!!! For me that is very very wrong. I have accepted that I probably cannot personally change things there but have begun a petition of which I aim to get 900 signatories to present to the High Commissioner.

Do me a favour sign the petition. Nigeria House MUST BE REVAMPED and the Image of Nigeria in the UK SAVED!!!!

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/revamp-the-nigerian-embassy-london.html